


So Lay Your Head On Me

by stargazerdaisy



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Forgiveness, Guilt, Heartache, forgiving yourself is the hardest part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-26 20:25:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7588810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargazerdaisy/pseuds/stargazerdaisy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"Little do you know</i>
  <br/>
  <i>How I'm breaking while you fall asleep</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Little do you know</i>
  <br/>
  <i>I'm still haunted by the memory</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Little do you know</i>
  <br/>
  <i>I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Little do you know</i>
  <br/>
  <i>I need a little more time"</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Skye can't bring herself to forgive herself after everything she did to the team under Hive's influence.  Ward sees her breaking apart, hurting, and wants nothing more than to help her heal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Lay Your Head On Me

**Author's Note:**

> Set some time after the end of Season 3, but where Ward is saved from Hive and he and Skye go off on their own, away from SHIELD. 
> 
> This is what I affectionately called "Angstapalooza" which started as me indulging my own need for tragic angst. And then I listened to "Little Do You Know" by Alex & Sierra on repeat and basically drove myself to tears. But who doesn't love a good angst fest?

His hand gropes forward, seeking out her warmth. But he’s just feeling empty space and cold sheets instead. Her absence jolts him to wakefulness. It’s usually him that slips out of bed far before she is ready. Finding her missing is worrisome in and of itself and seeing the 2:38am blinking at him from the alarm clock worries him even more. With a precision only he seems to possess, he’s out of bed and pulling on a t-shirt before setting off in search of her.

He almost misses her, her tiny frame curled up on the floor by the window in the dark living room. She is so still. His girl, who was never still, who was constant energy and motion and _light_. He’s only seen her this unnaturally still once, and the memory of that still haunts him to this day. He slips down next to her, folding his body around hers, hoping to bring her some measure of comfort. She shudders slightly, but leans into him, even as she maintains the silence. He doesn’t prod her to explain, he just lets her be. If she’s not talking, there is a good reason why and he’s not going to push it. A heavy sigh escapes her and she drags her head up off his chest. He’s about to say something when she looks up at him, tears brimming in her eyes. But what stops him is the sheer grief and _hurt_ in them. It takes his breath away. He never wants her to look like this, to feel this. He finds his own heart breaking.

“Oh Skye,” he whispers, cupping her cheek. 

“It's not fair!” she says angrily, through her tears. “They didn't deserve that. They didn't deserve me to do that to them.”

He wraps her in his arms once more, pulling her against his chest. As though maybe if he holds her tight enough, her broken pieces will mend, like bones in a cast. He knows it doesn't work that way, but it doesn't stop him from trying. He'd do anything to take this pain away from her. He knows just what kind of a toll that takes on a person's soul. 

“Skye, it wasn't your fault. You didn't mean to do it.”

“Yes I did! I did it! No one else, just me. Who else is there to blame? I was the one that framed Lincoln, that almost destroyed the base, the one who choked and threatened Fitz. GAH, Ward I almost _killed_ Mack! No one else has earthquake powers, only me. I chose to use them to hurt the people I love.”

“You're also the one who didn’t actually kill anyone. You're the one that warned them and only pushed as far as it took to get them to back off and not farther. You were brainwashed. You didn't wake up one day and decide to destroy everything. _It_ took that choice from you. _It_ decided to manipulate you and use you for his own selfish plans.”

Skye keeps shaking her head, refusing to agree with him. “But I did have a choice. He didn't make me do it that way. I knew how to hurt them, and I did it. On purpose. I'm no different than my mother.”

“What?! You are so different!”

“How?” she challenges. “She manipulated people into following her. She lied and hurt people to reach her goal. She put her revenge, her plan, above everyone else, even people she loved. How is what she did to me different than what I did to Mack?”

He drags a hand over his face, on the verge of exasperation with her. How is he going to help her understand and forgive herself? He sighs. He knows this is going to anger her, but it's the only thing he can think of to make his point. 

“Well, if it's anyone's fault, it's mine,” he says. 

Skye looks at him dumbfounded. “How can you say that?”

“ _It,_ ” he sneers, the mere mention of the creature leaves a nasty taste in his mouth, “used me. It used all my skills and knowledge and connections against everyone. It used my body to hurt people. It killed people, it took advantage of people, it manipulated everyone. It hurt _you_ ; all with my face, my body, my hands. It feels like it was me doing it. Plus, it was my fault It even got back here.”

Her face turns angry. They have had this discussion, this _fight_ so many times. She had thought they had finally put it to rest. But here he is again, blaming himself. “It is not your fault,” she grinds out between clenched teeth. “You didn’t have control. You were used. None of that would have happened if not for Coulson and Malick. They made those choices, you didn’t.”

“Then how are you any different?” he says gently, willing her to understand.

She stills completely, the fury melting from her expression. She wants to argue with him and tell him how much she is at fault, but can’t bring herself to come close to blaming him. She sees the parallel he has drawn and is trying ferociously to find a way around it. Coming up with nothing, she simply looks away, refusing to acknowledge it.

He touches her face softly. “Skye,” he begins. “You have to forgive yourself.”

She shakes her head, fighting back tears that have started anew. “If I do that, then it means what I did was okay. It means it was right, that I didn’t do anything wrong. And I _did_.” 

“No, that’s not what forgiveness means. Forgiveness means you no longer let it have power over you. You no longer allow the wrong actions to cause you pain. It doesn’t mean you absolve the actions, the wrong, and the hurt that resulted. Forgiveness doesn’t make it magically disappear. It just means that you do your best to make amends and you move forward, trying your best not to let it happen again. It means you let go of the hurt and pain that you can’t change anymore. You’ve been able to forgive others, including me and your mother. Why won’t you show yourself that same compassion?”

She still won’t make eye contact, but he sees her biting her lip, a sign that she is at least thinking over what he said. He simply waits. He knows this is a tenuous moment, that she has to come to this conclusion herself. If all it took was him, or anyone else, telling her it wasn’t her fault, this would have been resolved months ago. 

When she finally speaks, her voice is so quiet he has to strain to hear it. “How can they forgive me? I don’t deserve it.”

“But you do. And they have.” It is a simple fact to him. “Don’t throw away their forgiveness. Make it worth something. They wouldn’t have forgiven you if they wanted you to feel like this all the time. They love you, Skye. If you won’t listen to me, at least listen to them. What happened is over. You have done everything you can to make up for the hurt you caused. And you’ve taken yourself out of a situation where you could hurt them again. They are okay. And they want you to be happy.”

“Why?” She is finally looking straight at him.

He looks back at her, even and measured, hoping the truthfulness of his words is conveyed through his eyes. “Because they love you. Just like I do. You are light and joy in all of our lives. We all need you, me most of all.”

She holds his gaze for a moment longer before breaking it and moving back into his embrace. She clutches his shirt and whispers, “You’ll stay right? You’ll help me? I can’t do this on my own again.”

“Of course,” he murmurs into her hair. “You’re never going to get rid of me. I’m here forever, Rookie.”

He can feel her smile against his chest, small as it may be. The tension in her shoulders relaxes, ever so slightly, for the first time in weeks. He continues on, “We’re going to do this right this time. The past is something we’ve learned from, but it’s not going to define us anymore. Our future is our own; let’s do it together. What do you say?”

“Okay. Together.”


End file.
